What a difference a year makes

Exactly a year ago I was in South Africa, volunteering with children, learning a lot about myself, having fun and generally doing something amazing. I was proud of myself. And more importantly, I felt like my family could finally start to be proud of me too. One year on and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Not just because I feel fat, because I hate my body, but because I hate myself for what I have become. I owe my parents, the rest of my family, my friends, even myself, so much more than this.

At 27, I am a burden to my parents, a constant source of worry, concern and frustration. When their friends ask after me, I can only imagine how utterly embarassed they must be to admit the truth. 'Stepmom', one of my favourite films, was on TV last night so I sat down to watch it. It always breaks my heart at the end where Susan Sarandon's character has to say goodbye to her children, but yesterday more than usual. My Mum and I do not always have a perfect relationship, but I love her to pieces, would never swap her and can't imagine life without her. However, as a child, you do have to accept that there will come a time when you will have to face the loss of your parents. As unthinkable as it is to me, it is the natural order of things....not the other way around.

But I know that my Mother, and the rest of my family, have had to think about the fact that I might not recover, even that I may die. Knowing that I am putting people through that makes me feel so ashamed, and I often wish that I had a different illness. I feel like this should be something I can stop, that I can manage myself. Everyone must hate me for not doing more than I am doing, for seeming not to fight hard enough. It's not that I want cancer or heart disease, but if  it was anything other than a mental illness, it wouldn't be my fault. And deep down, I feel like the eating disorder is my fault.

I read somewhere that to get better, I need to get angry with the eating disorder, for everything it has made me lose, for every opportunity I have missed, and to use that anger to fight to do the right thing. I think I am getting to that point, slowly but surely, but I am terrified that by the time I get there it will be too late and everyone will have given up on me already. A year ago I had dreams, passion, ambition and hope. Now I feel very much alone, very scared and overwhelmed. Although it is my worst enemy, there are times when anorexia seems like my only friend.......

"One minute I held the key,

Next the walls were closed on me.

And I discovered that my castles stand

Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand."

~ Coldplay, Viva La Vida