Courage



'I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful, the day I chose not to eat.

What I do know is how it changed my life forever.

I know I should know better.' ~ Courage, Superchic(k)

The first time I watched this video on You Tube was back in 2006 and nothing I have seen or read before or since has scared me more. Somebody once asked me how I can treat my body so badly, when I know the risks to my health. I compared it to people who drink, smoke or take drugs; while you know the risks, you still do it, never really believing that anything bad will happen to you. I think most addicts convince themselves that they are invincible - smokers believe that lung cancer happens to other people, in the same way that anorexics believe that they personally will never suffer from heart failure or organ damage. Despite many years of starving, bingeing, vomiting, laxative abuse and over-exercising, my body has remained healthy and I did once tell a therapist that I was super-human.

However, I know this is not true, that my body could give in at any time, and that I could potentially die from my eating disorder. I actually try not to think about it because it scares the hell out of me, which is something I rarely admit. What scares me more though, is not the thought of dying from the effects of the illness, but the idea of not recovering and living with it for many years. As the video says, 'even if you don't die physically, your soul will die'. Neither of these options are acceptable to me, neither are what I want for my life, which leaves me with just one choice.....to recover. I just wish I knew how to do it.