Mistletoe and whine

Christmas is supposed to be merry and bright, but it can also be hard........really hard when you have an eating disorder, and also when your family is split. But this year has been exceptionally lovely - relaxed and chilled and spent with the entire family - just not at the same time! Despite facing hospital treatment soon into the New Year, I have eaten and managed better for the past week or so than since I can remember. No bingeing, no vomiting, and I have allowed myself to eat some treats, to drink and to be merry without feeling too guilty. The guilt will come next week when I get on the scales and face the damage, but I'm trying to ignore that for now.

I think the key this year has been spending time with my amazing family, not being alone and making sure not to isolate myself. As much as I want to hide away from the world at the moment, I can see that it just makes me more unhappy in the long run. My family are also all an incredibly good lesson in how to be 'normal', how to enjoy life and of how I could be in the future.

One of my biggest fears is that, one day, enough will be enough for them, and they will give up on me. Quite honestly, I am surprised that day hasn't already come. There is, however, a downside to having a supportive family, as strange as that may sound! It means that no matter how tired I am of fighting, I have to bloody carry on......and the eating-disordered side of myself really hates that ;) Slowly I have realised that my illness doesn't just affect me, but everyone around me. Even if I do want to self -destruct, in doing that I would be hurting a great many people, and I refuse to do that any more. Some people say their family will be the death of them. Right now, as corny as it sounds, mine are my salvation.

I've learned that all a person has in life is family and friends. If you lose those, you have nothing, so friends are to be treasured more than anything else in the world.

~ South Park