beat : Welcome to beat

21st - 27th February is Eating Disorders Awareness week, a subject far too close to my heart.

beat : Welcome to beat

If you, or anyone you know, are suffering from an eating disorder then this is a great website for getting help. From personal experience, I would urge anyone who is struggling to look into it because it is incredibly hard to beat this illness without professional support, and studies show that the sooner this support is in place, the higher a person's chances of recovery.

Remember, what you see on the outside is not a reflection on what is happening internally. People of all shapes and sizes, as well as of any sex, nationality, economic background or race, can suffer from an eating disorder.

It is a long and difficult battle, but I believe that eating disorders can be beaten. Hopefully including my own!

Admissions

A week ago I was admitted to an eating disorders unit. Finally giving in and accepting help is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but the worst thing is that the struggle is by no means over. In fact, it is actually only just beginning.

It is only just starting to hit me just how ill I have become and the extent to which the anorexia has taken over my mind. Physically, I feel ok and am convinced I look normal, if not fat. But had I weighed about 1kg less on admission, my weight would have been around the level where the unit prefer patients to go to a medical ward to be stabilised as they are considered too high a risk. And I cannot fathom how that could be me. I simply do not see or believe it. On Monday I was told that I am so sick that if I refuse to stay at the moment, I can be assessed and sectioned and treated here involuntarily. It must sound like I have well and truly lost my mind to anyone who knows me, but I genuinely do not see myself as the ill person the doctors keep talking about and it is as if they are talking about another person.

My doctors won't be pinned down to dates or target weights, but the general idea is that I will be here for several months. And I am torn between the real me, who wants to get well, to get to a healthy weight and go on and live life, and the anorexic me, the monkey on my shoulder, who believes I am the fattest patient here, that I am not thin or ill enough to deserve my bed. That side of me wants to cling to the eating disorder, to resist gaining weight and to get out of here and lose even more.

Rationally I know how insane that would be. We never know what the future will hold, and there could be no more chances. If I don't embrace this now, I could well and truly ruin my career as a teacher as well as my relationships with my friends and family. They have stood by me and supported me through so much and walking away from treatment would just be a real slap in the face to everyone. Recently I have really started to see just how much my illness upsets those around me and how much pain it causes my parents to see their daughter slowly starving herself to death. And then there is my physical health - until now I have been unbelievably lucky. Somehow I seem to have inherited the constitution of an ox and my blood tests come back relatively normal, which is apparently a miracle considering what I have been doing to my body for the past few years. But even I know that one day those tests may not come back alright and that by then it could be too late to reverse any damage I have done.

So for now, I am taking things day by day, trying to stick with the treatment and just hanging in there because I hope that one day I can look back and see that it will have been worth it. Deep down I do believe and know that I am doing the right thing, but when a force like anorexia which has literally taken over your entire mind keeps telling you otherwise, it is not always easy to fight.....

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

~ Christopher Reeve



So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.....

To my eating disorder,

You have been by my side for thirteen long years, almost half of my life, present at every occasion, at every one of my triumphs and failures. There was a time when I considered you to be one of my greatest successes, but now I see that allowing you to remain part of my life has been my biggest mistake.

You have faithfully followed me through school and university, and all over the world, to America, Mexico, South Africa, Europe. A monkey on my shoulder, a voice in my head, you have never left me in peace. To others you are invisible, but when I look back at old pictures I can see you there behind my fake smile - a reminder of the meals I skipped, the food I purged, the tears I cried because you told me I was fat.

"Just lose another kilogram and then you can stop......", but we both know I will never be good enough for you. I could kill myself trying to lose enough weight, and you still will never be satisfied. You told me being thin would make me happy, but I have never been more miserable. I am at my lowest weight and all I feel is numb and ashamed of how I have messed my life up so spectacularly.

I thought you would give me everything I wanted, yet now I see that you have taken everything I want from me. You nearly cost me my degree, my career as a teacher, my friends, my family, my sanity, my health, almost my life. Because of you I have been reduced to an empty shell and a physical wreck.

There is still a chance for me to regain my life, to repair the damage I have done, and I need to embrace that opportunity. Learning to live without you will be harder than I can imagine, but continuing to allow you to be a part of me will eventually destroy me. Only one of us can make it out of this 'relationship' alive, and I am going to fight to the end to make sure that it is me. And on the days I don't feel like fighting for myself, I will do it because I despise you for the pain, hurt and worry I have caused the people who love me. I deserve better than this, and so do my family and friends.

For so long I wanted to be the best anorexic, but then it hit me that the best anorexics are dead. So instead I want to kick-ass at recovering and be the best at that. It won't be easy, and right now I'm even sure if I can do it. But it's worth a shot.

I can't exactly say it's been nice knowing you, although it certainly has been interesting and I have learnt a lot. Mainly about the calorie content of most foods, but hey-ho! But it is now time for me to say goodbye and for you to leave my life. I sincerely hope we never meet again.

Rebecca